My fellow Americans:
It is with deep sadness – and much surprise – that I am announcing I am conceding this presidential election.
It is now 3:30 a.m., the morn after election day. It was only seven hours ago that I realized I was a candidate for the highest office in this land. I was at the Clinch County Courthouse, scanning election returns, when I saw it. In Post 2, under the heading: President of the United States of America, there were four names. Barack Obama had 82 votes. Mitt Romney had 92 votes. Gary Johnson (the guy who used to host the Miss America pageant) had one vote. And one vote went to a write-in candidate – me, Len Robbins. It was even spelled correctly.
I know what you’re thinking: I should have voted for Len Robbins too. That was my immediate thought as well. But I didn’t, really. Not thinking logically, I voted for one of the other candidates. Someone else other than me cast my name in the most recent election in the history of this month.
Seriously, I didn’t do it. Someone else must have considered my experience, my character, my wealth of knowledge, my non-stances on every issue, my integrity, my desire for every American to have free cable television, and my humility, and thought me the best man for the job. Or maybe they didn’t like any of the other candidates on the ballot. Or maybe they just sarcastically scribbled my name down as a joke. I don’t know their motivation, nor do I care (which may be another reason they voted for me). All I know is, from that point on, I was an official candidate to be the American President of the United States of America – a dream I’ve never had for years.
So, for the rest of the evening, I have been holed-up in my campaign headquarters (my den) with my advisors (actually, a dog and a cat), scouring over the election returns (of which they have been little help). I’ll be honest with you: Before the Ohio returns came in, we thought we had a chance (or, at least Yo-Yo and I did. Jill, the beagle, was uncharacteristically non-committal).
Now, with those Ohio numbers in, it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen this year for our campaign. The electoral math just doesn’t add up. Even with all the Florida votes not in yet, I have only collected .000000001724 percent of the popular vote as of this counting. That’s a hole that, realistically, I can’t dig out of, no matter how popular I am in Florida.
So, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all my supporter. You were behind me, or mocking me, the entire way, and I appreciate it. No matter how the votes shake out, I will continue to serve my country by not breaking most laws, refraining from littering, and paying some of my taxes. I would also like to congratulate and wish the best of luck to this election’s winner, Captain What’s-His-Face. God bless him, and God bless the United States of America!
© Len Robbins 2012