Over the summer, I found our dog’s diary while going through his “things” buried in the backyard. I couldn’t resist taking a peek:
Aug 1: Today I joined Facebook and they gave me my own personal wall. I would have preferred a tree. For my profile I wrote: I’m a 14-year-old fox terrier. Although I’m old and my vision and hearing are failing, I still have my Rex appeal. I like walks, but also enjoy going for a drive in our Rover.
Aug 2: Due to my visual impairment, I fell into the darn pool again today. Usually, I don’t mind during summer. But I wish my family would stop their conservation nonsense this year, and put water in it.
Aug 3: I am so excited. I now have 9 FB friends, including a Dalmatian named Spot, a boxer named Smokin’ Joe, and a Great Dane named Niels Bohr. Humans are so clever when they name us.
Aug 5: Our neighbor, Mrs. Quiggly, came over this morning. I really don’t like her and would be more than willing to use her to prove that the “bark is worse than his bite” hypothesis is just so wrong.
Aug 6: OMD, we’re out of dog food! My mom’s at work and older brother has my dad’s car. I’m frantically trying to explain to my dimwit dad that it’s only 3 hours to the local supermarket… on the riding lawnmower. Humans can be such wimps.
Aug 7: The humans here keep watching dumb political stuff on TV. I don’t mind CNN when Woof Blitzer is on, but mostly I can’t stand human politics. To me, politicians are best viewed from behind where I can get a clear aim and the element of surprise. Honestly, we haven’t had a decent president since Rover Cleveland.
Aug 8: Humans gone today, so have been watching TV. My favorite shows are Bones and Dogtor Who. Looking forward to next week when one of the movie channels appears to be having a dog movie marathon featuring Dog Day Afternoon, The Howling, and The Barkleys of Broadway.
Aug 9: Mrs. Quiggly was here again. She’s as dumb as a fur ball and asked my humans how old I was. They told her I was 14 and she did that stupid dog into human years calculation thing. Quite frankly, I’m sick of people pointing out how old I am. I heard her say she was 28 years old. Well guess what, lady? You’re just 4 years old to me!
Aug 10: Oh dear, woke up feeling like something the cat dragged in. We have an appointment with the vet tomorrow.
Aug 11: News from the vet was not good. I’ve been diagnosed with RTS (Restless Tail Syndrome). He’s going to treat me with Mirapex, but apparently there are side-effects. I’ll have to go back if I develop dizziness, dry nose, shortness of bark, uncontrollable howling, or tail remains rigid for more than 12 hours.
Aug 12: Our cat continues to think he’s head of the household. I’m going to put him straight, just as soon as he unlocks the closet and lets me out. I know it may be politically incorrect these days, but I strongly believe in segregation: dogs, inside; cats outside.
Aug 13: Think the medication is causing short-term memory loss - can’t remember where I buried my bone.
Aug 14: Was dragged out of my basket to go for a walk at 6 a.m. Why do humans do that? Can’t they just let sleeping dogs lie?
Aug 15: Today I became religious when I saw a vision of the Barkangel Gabriel. So now, I will be saying the canine Lord’s Prayer each day for help to get well – “Our human father who art in control, ‘hello’ be thy greeting when returning to thy kingdom after a hard day’s work. Thy faithful friend will be waiting and will come when called for thy will to be done. Give us this day our daily treats. And forgive us our eliminations, as we forgive those who failed to let us out in time, and lead us not into the dog house. But deliver us through forgiveness to our comfy basket. And we will be faithful for ever and ever. Amen.”
Nick Thomas’ features and columns have appeared in more than 200 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org