metrosexual if...

Len Robbins

Syndicated Columnist

If you're like me - meaning you've been outside at least a couple of times this year - you have probably been inundated with the term "metrosexual."

According to most definitions, a metrosexual is a "straight" urban or suburban male with a strong sense of style who spends a lot of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle. A fancy boy, in short.

That said, we don't have many metrosexuals around these parts.

But just to be sure, and as a public service to my readers, I did some research and found out what qualifies an individual as a metrosexual. So, even if you think you are the manliest of manly men, take the following quiz just to be certain. At the end of the 20-question quiz, I'll tell you if you are a metrosexual, or if you're normal.

1. How much do you spend on a haircut (without tip)?

A. Under $10.

B. Over $10.

2. Do you exfoliate?

A. No, I haven't messed with my ex since our divorce.

B. Certainly.

3. Where do you work out?

A. In my carport.

B. At the fitness club.

4. How do you care for your toenails?

A. Scissors or my pocket knife.

B. Professional pedicure.

5. What do you wash your hair with?

A. Shampoo in little bottles stolen from the Holiday Inn.

B. At least three different products.

6. When you go to dinner, do you count your date's calories?

A. Huh?

B. Yes.

7. What's your favorite dish to prepare?

A. Low-country boil.

B. Orange roughy with a dill weed sauce.

8. Do you moisturize?

A. You mean sweat?

B. Yes, daily.

9. How often do you go shopping?

A. Three times a year - Saturday before Christmas, the Sunday morning of Mother's Day, the day after my wife's birthday.

B. Once a week.

10. Have you ever shaved your legs, chest, back, or arms?

A. Once - for an operation.

B. Yes.

11. Have you ever owned a bag for men?

A. Like a suitcase? Sure.

B. Many.

12. Have you ever worn boxer shorts with holes in them?

A. Sure. Who's gonna see 'em.

B. A definite no.

13. Have you ever frosted your hair?

A. Only once - that Georgia-Auburn game where it was freezing cold.

B. Yes.

14. What's your favorite "Smokey and the Bandit" quote?

A. "We ain't never not done it yet."

B. Not familiar with them. Are they some sort of country and western singing duo?

15. Do you ever go out dancing?

A. Rarely. Last time I danced in public was that night at the Waffle House.

B. Occasionally to often.

16. Do you know what creme brulee is?

A. A cream you put on your skin for something?

B. Yes, silly.

17. When was the last time a man hit on you?

A. About two years ago, when I foolishly entered that Toughman contest.

B. About two weeks ago.

18. Have you ever purchased an entire set of silverware?

A. Why would I?

B. Yes.

19. What's your masseuse's name?

A. Don't own one. I own a basset hound.

B. Raoul.

20. Have you ever kept an automobile engine in your closet?

A. No, but my wife has.

B. Heavens no!

Quiz results: If you answered two questions with B., you are in danger of being classified as a metrosexual. If you answered three or more questions with B., you are a certified metrosexual. Conversely, if you answered 17 or more questions with A., you are a certified redneck.

Don't fret, you're not the only one.