Syndicated Columnist

Have pity on football season's ill victims

To many men in the South, the worldwide-accepted seasons of Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter do not exist. In their world, there are but two seasons of the year: Football Season and Football Recruiting Season.

The months between March and August don't really matter to these folks. Those are, of course, hibernation months. This seasonal variance is not by choice. Like other uncontrollable illnesses, such as not being able to put down the toilet seat or scurvy, it's caused by a mutant gene that some men are born with, or choose to acquire. Science has found no cure, nor are they looking for one. It's just something these poor men have to cope with one day at a time.

With the football season now upon us, I have, in the interest of relationships everywhere, compiled a list of tips to help these men's seasonal illness be less painful. If you have an ounce of Christian kindness in your soul, you will take pity on the afflicted and follow my guidelines.

If you know a man who suffers from this ailment, follow these simple rules and wait for March: