Syndicated Columnist

Boycotting half of all things French

=Skipping those pesky salutations, a crazy uncle greeted me recently with: "You are to boycott all things French!"

Startled, I didn't know how to respond. The first thing that came to my mind was: "Why? Are they letting that Gerard Depardieu dude make movies again?"

My crazy uncle slapped me, then went on to explain how France was opposing the use of force against Iraq. He continued by adding that Bill Clinton was to blame for the whole mess, and Clinton was also to blame for the economy, rising gas prices, the Braves trading Kevin Millwood, the Oscars snubbing Jackie Gleason for "Smokey and the Bandit," the death of Bob Crane, and Michael Jackson's face.

I, not wanting to start a ruckus, and not really listening, agreed with him on all points. Later, though, while staring at a plate of hot, delicious French fries, I had second thoughts about my hazy commitment.

Can I really give up all things French? I don't particularly like the French as a people, although I don't personally know any. I know that they worship Jerry Lewis, which is puzzling. I'm as patriotic an American as anybody, but I'm also as lazy and undisciplined an American as anybody. I know my weaknesses, and some of them are French.

So I established a compromise. I looked over all things I know to be French and decided to boycott half of them. Here's my boycott breakdown: